The fear of abandonment

As infants, we go through a development stage where we gain the ability to comprehend and understand that despite our caregivers not being within our physical senses, we have the understanding that they will come back and still care for us. During the first two years of my life, I experienced neglect as I was with my biological mother who could not care for me or meet my needs as a very dependent baby. Now being 19 years old I am struggling with the ability to grasp the concept that when I transition out of the home I will still be loved and cared for despite my parents not being physically close to me. The change to adulthood is bringing up the feelings and fear of abandonment and rejection as I enter this new phase of life.

When we undergo pain or trauma, we often want to put space between ourselves and the discomfort by ignoring it, shoving it down, or running away from it. I'm familiar with this pattern because it used to be a way for me to avoid feeling emotions. Though doing so did not help me in the long run because the pain remained, I simply bottled it up. As you can imagine, when we bottle the pain, it explodes and most of the time uncontrollably due to its intensity. From elementary to high school, I was exposed to a great deal of peer bullying. I began to believe that I wasn't liked at school or accepted for who I was, that I was unworthy of love and connection with others. This reaffirmed my belief that I am unworthy and unlovable, which I had established at an early age as a result of the neglect. When we're young, it's difficult for us to imagine that our caregiver could be doing something wrong or lacking, so we instinctively blame ourselves. Even if I wasn't told there was something wrong with me, I developed the impression that not being properly cared for was somehow my fault.

I have a strong desire to feel bonded with my parents but at the same time, I am so scared to get close to them as the irrational belief feels afraid that they will “abandon” me once I move out. As I distance myself from my parents there are wounded parts of me that believe that once they “abandon” me it won’t be as painful because I have already distanced myself from them. This is a protection mechanism that is playing out as there is the belief that in doing this it won’t hurt as much when they do “abandon” me because there will already be a distance between us. There are older and wiser parts of me that recognize this as an irrational and fear-based belief, and that new ways of bonding may develop during this transitional period of my life.

I am working on strengthening the belief of the older and wiser parts of me, that despite not living in the home bonding can come about in new ways. Reminding myself of the possibilities my parents provide will also enhance the relationship when I am out of the home, as these feelings will resonate with me and the excitement of seeing them again will be so much more. It’s trippy how when we get so caught up in fear and the experience of our emotions that it can really disconnect us from feeling grounded within ourselves at that moment. Our bodies tell us a lot about where we hold energy, I often feel emotional energy in my throat, shoulders, and stomach, while noticing anger is held more in my hands having the desire to move. When I am able to feel calm enough to be present in the moment I can feel my feet on the ground which is a very grounding sensation reassuring me that I am whole.

I am realizing that there is no amount of love that others could give to me that can make me feel whole, it has to come from within. Though having connections with others allows us to be supported in learning about ourselves, healing, and individuating, which brings about a sense of self and inner relationship. We undergo much change throughout our lives as our only constant is change. People grow up, pass away, move, etc., but despite this we still have ourselves. This is why building an inner relationship with yourself is most important because you will be with yourself for the rest of your life. Having a sturdy foundation within is the key to being successful in life because you will be able to realize that people are on their own journey and they are trying to figure out the same thing.

Many blessings, peace n love,

Sarah ❤️