Living in an 18 year old body but existing in baby parts of myself that have not been tended to.

I have been struggling lately with the reality that I am transitioning into adulthood as I turned 18 on July 11th. Usually this is the time that adolescents feel some sort of excitement for the freedom that comes along. Driving a car, going off to collage, living outside of the family home, making their own decisions, etc. Becoming independent and all the freedom it brings. This is not at all what I am experiencing, I am not excited I am fearful which has led me to shut down and almost as if "give up." I haven't enrolled myself in the JC yet, found a part-time job, I don't know how to cook, or drive, as well as basic independent living skills, I struggle with this so much. For the past 2 years I have been especially really hard on myself about this transition. Where as I have shut down which causes a lot of intensity at home.

My parents are both very loving and caring, so during this transition they have been doing the right things. They are encouraging me to be independent, trying to excite me with all the freedom adulting brings, explain to me that I will be a lot happier once I am in doing a career that I enjoy, also that the JC is a lot better than high school. As a result of this I have completely shut down, as I am so fearful and scared. I am really depressed and I don't feel ready at all.

I recently saw a new family therapist and she helped me get to the root of this fear and hold up of excitement for me. As many as you know I am adopted, I was adopted at 1 year and a half. During this time frame with my biological mother I wasn't getting the care that I needed so badly. My bio mother was a drug addict which impaired her, so she couldn't and did not meet my needs as a baby. As a result these baby parts are still living within me, they are being brought up more than ever during this time because this is the start of transitioning out of adolescent years and into adulthood. Which I am not ready for yet, as the "baby parts are driving the car."

These baby parts within me are fearful of abandonment, and they are speaking so loudly during these times. My baby parts are fearful of adulthood because this is when the mama bird pushes her babies out of the nest as this comes off to me as "abandonment." My baby parts are triggered and are being reactive right now, which has led me to be unable to live within my 18 year old body. My 18 year old self doesn't have the space to even want to feel freedom because the baby parts don't want freedom, they are not ready. They are scared of abandonment and want connection and care. So in order to be present within my 18 year old body we must work with these baby parts of me that still need tending to them.

I have never had the perspective of this, this way. It is a relief to me as a sense of calmness and peace is active within. Until the changing of perspective I have been really hard on myself, beating myself up as if there is something wrong with me. It has been really intense at home because I have shut down as my parents trying to encourage me into adulthood has made it worse. There has been so much fear present and there still is, but trust of the process to tending to these childhood parts has been activated.

This awareness and understanding both on my side and my parents sides leaves me feeling hopeful and calmed. I feel herd and found more than ever now. There is excitement that has come along because I finally feel hopeful.

To realise that this is the reality that I am living is opening my eyes to how many others must be living this reality too. Especially people that have been adopted or are in foster care, as well as those born to their biological families. I hope you all will really look within yourselves and try to understand or let other parts of you be herd. There is always something beneath the layer you are living...

Much love, peace, and hope,

Sarah Field ♥︎