On the journey to find peace within my home

Today was the day that I was flooded with an overwhelming amount of nostalgic. My family and I had pulled up to 219 Dover Street, the house we have called home for the past 14 years. I walked up to the door that held so much behind, with a depth that was magical. The door that has been slammed hard when leaving in rage. Open widely with great joy to greet an old friend, or a loved one. The door that has held secrets behind that only the Field’s would understand. The door that greets me with a weight lifted from my shoulders, coming home from school or returning from a rough day. Or when feeling lost, I am greeted by the home that holds my family. A door that knew how to protect my family and I in times of great stress or danger. But that same exact door that didn’t have the capability of stopping the love from within that home to the world, with our neighbors and everyone who has acknowledge the door that is the entry to my home. Such a beautiful, oak door, that had called us until we were founded, which lets in just the perfect amount of light to warm my home with love from the outside world. Anxious dogs, named Oreo and Brownie waiting for the arrival of their people who make it well aware to them that we love them dearly, as well as filling there food bowls with kibble. Oh, the joy of being greeted by my most cherished dogs after a week away from home at summer camp to my four legged friends who never doubt the love they have for me. The door who has welcomed so many, including all of our 4 legged, 2 legged, and tail friends. The home that has held many birthday parties, hang outs, family game and movie nights, dinners with loved ones, holiday gatherings, and foster dogs. Home, the place that has always had its doors opened to me despite the fuck ups, disappointments, fights, regrets, my bad’s, and so all for the 14 years I have lived here. 219 Dover Street, is just a typical house, but what makes it a home is the people associated with this amazing structure that holds so many memories. The good, the bad and everything in between and out.

As I entered the front door, I was shocked as what I saw challenged my heart and soul within myself. The house was staged, it had this very modern look and feel. The colors were light blue and artificial white and clear as the dinning table and other small surfaces were glass. The carpets were a irritated white as the decor was modern along with the energy of “don’t touch”, “and this is why we can’t have nice things…” The backyard that had so many memories, in particular this one spot that has held a play structure which was well loved, to be soon after replaced by a trampoline. As I played pirates, looking out from the telescope on the play structure, my dreams were born of becoming someone important as I had rescued so many lost stuffed animals which were thrown from above by my sister, Emma. I got a thrill, I felt important as I was helping these innocent lives that were in times of trouble. The play structure which has helped me find my purpose and realize that I can conquer what’s ahead of me when I put my mind to it. The sandbox that was an everlasting battle with our next-door neighbors cats. Oh how much I wanted to make the cats stop using my sandbox as a litter box.

Then taken over by my favorite sleep over spot during the warmer nights. This bouncy material which has held so many late night conversations, laughs turned into tears, as I watch from above to observe my dogs lying underneath or seeing Oreo try to jump up soon to realize that he can’t as the material prevented him from coming up.

This space is now defined by tanbark, a nice dark, red, bark which holds small plants. “This is no place to observe plants, where the parents have to tell their kids not to trample the plants. This is the fun zone!” I thought in my head. It breaks my heart to come to see what I observed and reflected upon.

My hope for this house is to hold a family where a daughter learns that no matter what, she is loved by here ever so gracious parents. Being taught that, despite the pain she feels that she is worthy of so much more than how she treats herself. Despite the hardships she struggles through, she will realize that she is a good person who is needed by this world. When she comes home from school after being bullied day after day, year after year, she finds her purpose in life which is to find that inner connection within and serve herself first to help those around her. Where she will learn that the light that she would have been searching for so long is within in herself and has always been. A daughter who loves four-legged friends as much as I do. Where she will learn about herself through the creative room decor phases she has gone through so many times. A family that has a younger daughter who makes friends and has a tight circle to lean on for support. A daughter who will have many sleepovers which result in sneaking into the freezer to consume a great amount of ice cream. A daughter who learns eventually that love comes from within and that in order to help her friends she needs to help herself first. A daughter who has a closet full of clothes worn to the very bitter end of their time. As the daughters will fight with each other but under all of that yelling, and arguing they both know that they love each other dearly despite the pain they go through growing up.

A loving mom who hasn’t yet discovered the super power within of being able to change the life of her very daughters. A mom who fights for her daughters well being and mental health. A mom who is goofy and obsesses over the subject of poop as she awkwardly dances around the house. A mom who grieves over the pain her daughters experiences but comes to the realization that her very existence is a big motivation to keep pushing through life despite wanting to give up many times. A mother that learns to meditate and take care of herself, as well as learning to love her hair and the beauty of her presence. A mother who dares to go through hell and back for her daughters despite the tremendous suffering she experience. A mother who learns to let go of her past and come to acceptance that she is the best mother, and wouldn’t be change for any other stinking mom. That she is claimed by a loving husband who never doubts leaving her. A husband who is hard working even when he would rather rest in bed a little longer. A husband that is the very father of the two beautiful daughters he cares for ever so deeply. A father that is soon to realize that his daughters enjoy calling him “Daddio”. A father who is excited by the soil beneath his feet and the swing of tall trees above him. A father who is there for his daughters in times of trouble, even if that means flying to San Diego to pick up his daughter because she is hurting, just to keep her safe. A father that tries his hardest and knows that his hardest is enough. A father who is very ticklish, and loves to blast “Funky Town” within the house. A father that accepts the hardships he will encounter, while resulting in him taking care of himself and treating himself with the love he deserves. A dad who is adventurous and tolerates very loud screaming out of joy! A dad who allows himself to cry and feel, allowing himself to feel pain without taking the fault. A father who is his wife’s greatest pattern as they conquer the fear and hardships they’ve faced. A family that lives in this house, soon called home who love unconditionally and always have their arms open wide for each other. This house shall live up to its legacy of being the farm house within the street. Where 4-legged friends are loved and cared for as the home has accepted many gifts of animals. A home that holds 7 years of unfound hamster poop that is appreciated and cherished as the house is given its last good-bye soon to hold the family next to come.

219 Dover Street, the field families home. That holds my bedroom, the room that has been the greatest space ever enjoyed. That bedroom which holds the pain and suffering of myself as well as the sunshine within my soul. The floor well worn, as it holds the music of my soul and the happiness of feet that have danced unstoppable. As the floor boards hold the many times of Oreo’s accidents. The walls which have held the learning of who I am, and what I enjoy. The door which holds the fear of the world as well as the simple, “let me in, now please” as Oreo’s nail streaks of pink were marked on the door. The handle that has been open by my parents, friends, family, loved ones and important people who’ve kept me safe. The energy within the room is only to be accessed by those who hold a light within themselves yet to be known.

On my way back to Sebastopol, I am appreciating these last 17 years of life. I’ve been through hell and back but I am yet to be unstopped of completing my purpose. Change is our only constant. This is one of my biggest challenges, that I am facing. Leaving our house in Los Gatos has been heavy as the depth was become aware of for the first time. This is my first time moving. It has all happened so fast, hospitalized, stopped going to Leigh, moved to a Residential Treatment Facility, lived here for almost 2 years. Bam, Bam Bam, packing up my childhood house and renting a house in Sebastopol. These past 5 months have been really, really hard for me, as so much is changing around me. Living in a Residential Treatment Facility it has been the longest living away from my family, then coming to realize that your family will be moving away from our other family members, Grandma, Auntie Karol and Uncle David. It is really hard, I’m soon to be 18, going to collage, living back home for some time, soon to be released from the nest that has been my literal foundation for my whole life. It’s really scary, I’m scared, sometimes its still hard for me to accept that I’m currently 17. Where did the time go?! Everything has been happening so fast as the change has been overwhelming as I am running to catch up with it all. I’m not there yet, I haven’t come to acceptance with reality currently. This past week I opened a wound that has been healed for well over a year. Self harm, thoughts of wanting to give up and feeling trapped as my only way would be out is too to myself in. The heaviness has been a lot that I feel like I’m not ready to take on. I’m really scared and stressed. It’s hard when there are so many others around me who care so deeply and sacrifice there well being for me and my life when I feel hopeless. This week has been consistent of this burden of fear, self harm was very present as I also had a panic attack which I haven’t experienced in a very long time.

Feeling and emotions from this traumatic experience during freshman year is coming to the surface all of a sudden. I feel the sensation of being held under water as I fight to breath. The heavy weight of pain as I struggle to fill my lungs with the air I need so desperately. Struggling with this currently has been a lot, and doesn’t sit well within me. I immediately want it to go away and I’ve shoved it down for a long time thinking I had come to acceptance with the trauma. I am yet again to realize that your life is a lifelong journey. Nothing goes away, but the work you do is how the experiences become livable. I have to remind myself of this often.

I had called up a good friend recently and we talked for a good amount of time. I explained to him the weight of these past couple of months and I cried. He told me that all of the crap I give myself is bull shit because “you are still alive, and for that reason you should be proud of yourself as I am very proud of you” he said. Just hearing this brought calmness to my body, this moment was one that hasn't happened for a long time as I sense of hope and confidence uprisen within me. A deep breath that I could reassure myself that I will be okay and everything will work out the way it should. As I said to myself aloud "Everything is okay right now, I have my four-legged friend next to me, there is a roof over my head and I am loved dearly." A feeling of peace came about.

I have come to another teaching of life's lessons and values. Which is despite the challenges, grief, losses, changes, new beginnings, closing of chapters throughout our lives is that you will always have yourself. For the rest of your life, you will grow and fall down but home is always within yourself. The people you surround yourself with is what makes you, you and for that you become aware of the home within yourself. As I go through tremendous changes, I will continue to work towards finding peace within in my home, myself.

Much peace, love, and hope along your life long journey,

Sarah Field