Forever and Always Loved

This past weekend I went on a home pass. Before the home pass I was told that my estimated month of discharge is around winter time. I haven't been handling that news so well. My parents are in the process of trying to move, so a lot of stress comes up for me around this whole experience. Since being placed at TLC; the group home I've been living at for the past 10 months, has been very hard for me to want to come to my home. As I have been able to thrive at TLC, it is very scary thinking about coming home to the same environment I have suffered so deeply for so long. Being willing to come home for home passes have been challenging. There's something about coming back to that environment, where I lose all motivation, hope, and the willingness to try. It's been a struggle trying to push myself to try and create a routine at home, like I do at the group home. It's very interesting and since I am aware of moving it's like I am living in the future, giving all my hope to the new house. I am putting unrealistic goals and pressure on myself to be "perfect" by the time I come home. This is formed from feelings and beliefs that I've, put my family through too much pain, I need to make up for that some how, that I can't allow myself to feel at home because I will make my parents too worried. Beliefs that I can't make any more mistakes due to the mess I've left behind. This is all pointless shit to be putting myself through. Nobody is perfect, it is our imperfections that make us beautiful. Deep inside I really don't want to be perfect, I ultimately wouldn't be happy. Being in the family I am in is hard due to the fact that their daughter, me, is a people pleaser, my mom and dad blame themselves for everything I feel pain for or get upset by. It is very annoying, but it's the way it is. All my life I've been held back by the fear of making my parents worried, disappointed, hurt, or hopeless. I would hide a lot of my life from them, in fear of them not being able to handle me. I turned everything inward at me, having trouble living the truth from my parents. That I am loved, I am accepted, I am beautiful, I am worthy of happiness, that I am a blessing, that they'll never give up on me, I am not a burden to this world, that I will always be loved no matter the pain they go through with me. I struggle with taking these statements to the heart, instead I am driven by the fear of failure, being a burden, or given up on. I take the hardest moments when my parents have said things that they didn't think about, or the tears and cries they've screamed, the doors being slammed or the fights mom and dad have with each other after being overwhelmed with me. I have realized that I am one that takes many things personally, not just with my parents, others too, but with my parents most because of the unconditional love, and support they've had for me ever since being there's. I think it's so hard because all my life they've taken care of me. Spending energy, love, time, support for me when they don't having for themselves in times needs. I forgiven them for all their imperfections, and mistakes, but they haven't forgiven themselves. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that parents sacrifice so much of themselves for somebody they love so dearly who just grows up and lives their own life. How do I pay back my parents for all that they've done for me in order for me to be successful? When they aren't forgiving themselves because of the mistakes they wish could be undone or done differently. As I forgive them and love them with all my heart, they continue to suffer with the pain they feel from what has been already done. Reminder to everyone, especially you, Mom, Dad and I: the past is in the past, you can't undo it or change it so why be so hard on yourself, when you can make it better from this moment on and accept? I know that this is a lot easier said then done, but by living this statement you will be able to fly to places that you would of never imagined.

I'm one that has struggled with self harm. My longest is about 4 months clean!! I'm so in awe of how far I have come, in the past I didn't think I would be possible to go a few days without self harming. This has been a big accomplishment for me and is something I am proud of. Saturday August, 23 was the day I had a self harm relapse. For a lot of my life I would hide the wounds that held so many secrets. This time I had the confidence to tell my parents, and throw away the sharps. I actually started packing the sharps up to bring back to the group home, but then I was able to throw them all out. I was a very cool moment for me because in such a small amount of time after the incident I realized that I didn't want to be doing this to myself. So I made the change and listened to my heart. When my parents became aware of the situation they didn't handle it the best. Or the way I imagined it to play out. My parents cried, begging me to stop. My mom cried to me saying "I've already been through hell, I guess I'm going through it again!!" That she doesn't trust me anymore. This was very hard for me to hear, as my biggest concern is to not make my parents worried, upset or hurt. Being a parent is hard but same as being a child, a daughter. Before coming to my parents, it was hard for me to accept what had happened sitting in fear of the future pain. Observing my parents reaction, I responded feeling like I haven't made that much progress at all. I'm worried about how much my parents are able to handle and carry. I'm ultimately scared to mess up, bringing me back to the place where I think that I just shouldn't tell anyone. I ask myself "why can't she appreciate the progress I have made instead of reacting to this small bump in the road as if it was the end of the world?" My mom is one who blames herself for others pain, especially her family's pain, the pain I feel. Wishing she would have done this differently, better or haven't done it at all. Wishing she was a better mom as if she wasn't already the best. She blames her self for the struggles and pain I have been through. Living with this has been a long time struggle, I understand where she is coming from as a parent. But it is not fair to any of us. Then I start feeling guilty of the pain I've been through; its this endless cycle.

Until change there will be no progress.

Much love, peace and dogs,

Sarah