This too shall pass...

These past couple of days have been really hard for me. I've been happier for longer periods of time since healing, which has made it so I can handle few challenging moments before I boil over. I was the only youth in the house, while others were on home passes. I haven't been with myself in awhile so being the only one in the house was really hard. As I had this experience I was fearful of not having made enough progress to come home. I would be with myself a lot of the time. Living in a group home with a bunch of other girls that are around my age is a lot different from being in a home with your family. I am realizing that I am a people person and that social connections are very helpful and good for me. Just being around other peers under the same roof motivates me to come out of my room and join the community. Being in my room with just myself is usually a big trigger for me that ends me up in a negative endless cycle. I need to allow myself to be exposed to situations that I avoid because of the uncomfortable feelings it brings up. For example, allowing myself to come home and be with my family is needed. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have "no issues" at home. To cause no worries and unrealistically be happy all the time. To be in the best space when at home. I often burden myself with the anxieties of how I am effecting my parents and making them feel when I struggle and am in pain. I've been feeling stressed out about falling into old thought patterns and beliefs, while loosing myself and scared about my future, (the unknown). Feeling like I'm going crazy. I am really hard on myself. I hold myself to high expectations because of the impact I have on others. When I am in these low, challenging moments I have a lot of hate and judgement for myself. Feeling frustration for taking a few steps back, thinking old thoughts, feeling hopeless and letting it get the best of me. As I have been making my way back up, I had realized once again that having challenging days are okay and lead to good. I am WAY to hard on myself, I have a lot to be proud of myself for, these low moments don't last forever, better times soon come. Nobody is prefect and allowing myself to feel any emotions with out judgement or hate towards myself is needed. This is something I want for myself. These hard past days is a reminder that life is full of ups and downs, which allow us to enjoy the better days. Also that humans aren't perfect and thats another beautiful thing!