We are all human

I have been struggling lately with accepting and allowing myself to feel the emotions and thoughts I have. I've learned that allowing ourselves to feel the pain that comes across our paths is crucial in order for us to feel better and heal. But it is definitely a lot easier said then done. Just being human sometimes I think about death and how I would be freed from suffering, as I am along side many others who can relate. I don't have an intention or plan. But just someone who has struggle with suicidal ideation, who has acted on plans of wanting to kill myself, it scares the shit out of me. Falling back into those old destructive thoughts and behaviors creates fear within myself that I might relapse. Hitting rock bottom in my past has been the scariest thing that has happened to me. Being in that place where you feel like doing yourself in is the only way to solve your problems. I've been there, you are not alone. I can tell you that pain happens for a reason and allows us to enjoy the better times and to be happy.

Since healing, I have been feeling happier for longer periods of time then ever before. I am able to handle some hard situations until they pile up before I experience a harder day. I feel really happy, then the next day I could totally be in a different space. It is crazy that one little thing added to the pile could boil me over. When I become weak it is easier for the thoughts to consume me and manipulate me. The more I feed the thoughts, the harder it is to let them pass through. I tend to struggle replacing the false beliefs and thoughts. I end up in this cycle that drains me. It is harder for me to not listen to the untrue thoughts during low moments. Its like I am venerable when I am weak. When old thought patters come to my mind I have trouble with allowing them to pass through. My reaction is wanting to punish myself for thinking about these thoughts and then letting them consume me. I am hard on myself and I put myself through unnecessary pain because of that. When I fall into old thought patterns I am fearful of relapsing and ending in the mindset I was in, in the past. It is very scary, very. I feel hopeless in these moments, like things will never get better. I think about how hard these 17 years have been for me, and how could I possibly live for another 80 years?! It is crazy to think about that and how much life is ahead of me or maybe not. We don't know when will die. Try to live each day as if it was your last. Life is precious. Life is never better than this, the beauty of life is experiencing hard times allowing us to enjoy the better times! In these low moments it is hard, its fucking hard. After this low moment in our life we will experience a happier moment. It can take along time but live in the moment and take one day at a time. As I reflect on the hard times this week, I have realized that healing is not just one straight path uphill. Its full of taking steps back, winding paths and coming across unexpected barriers. When I think about death it doesn't mean I am going to relapse necessary, but that I am still alive and human. Take it easy everybody.