Speak up, as simple as a Hello on the first day

I am apart of a youth group through my church I attend in my hometown. I was introduced to the middle school youth group know as S.N.I.F.F which stands for (Sunday Nights Interactive Fun Fellowship). At the time I was going through an I.O.P. - Intensive Outpatient Program. I met a friend named Dereck in the I.O.P, who brought me to S.N.I.F.F during my 6th grade year. I was going through a tough time, and I struggled a lot with self love, and confidence. New experiences are hard for me, which leads to an increase in anxiety and I tend to reject them. I decided to try it out. My first time attending, I was shy and didn't say much of anything. I think that a lot of people shy away from new experiences in fear of the unknown. My true self is not shy so it was effecting me in negative ways. I was depressed and anxious. I was holding myself back from being myself because I was afraid of the judgement I would receive. Being shy and holding my true self back was a way of protecting myself from the rejection, judgement and non-acceptance I might have received. So I hid myself and tried to be as quiet as possible in order to keep as many eyes off of me. Holding myself back created its problems, it was like a cycle. When being shy at S.N.I.F.F. it resulted in me feeling down and anxious. Then I felt like I had to stay that way. So thats what I did, I stayed quiet, depressed and kept to myself. I then suffered the consequences of feeling trapped, like I wasn't able to explore being myself. I was afraid that I would draw more attention for speaking up, or laughing and so on. Since people knew me me as quiet, and reserved so if I were to do something different it would most likely spark curiosity that would soon be followed by judgement. Others didn't know no different then me being quiet, because thats they way I was. In result of keeping quiet for so long currently I still struggle with not feeling comfortable to be myself. Since being at this church for almost 6 years with the same people I still feel the need to be shy. It has been harder to enjoy it, but I have stuck with it for so long because I have hope in that I can really understand the truth of the kindness and acceptance of the group.

Yesterday I was talking with my house staff about this and they gave me advice that has been handed down to them and stuck with them. "On the first day of school, no matter how shy or upset you are, raise your hand. Raise your hand and ask as simple as the question "what's the date?"". By doing this you allow yourself to have room to grow easier into feeling comfortable with being yourself with less fear. Instead of being held back in fear afraid of raising your hand, raising your hand the first day enables your self to speak a little louder each day. Without such shock created in others as if you were to be quiet in the beginning and raise your hand all of the sudden one day. You will have a smaller jump to make. When you keep quiet your fear of taking that jump grows bigger and your are held back. The jump grows bigger the more fear you feed it, time you resist it and not taking the risk of possible judgement. When we are exposed to new experiences, we usually feel anxious and shy. It's normal and totally okay. Sometimes that anxiety consumes us and makes us less functional. No matter how anxious you are, raise your hand say something. It will be esaier for you to speak up and be in your comfort zone. You won't be in as much pain as if you were to keep quiet and hide your true self. Good luck with this, its hard. I know you can do it though!!

Much love, peace, and dogs,

Sarah