Reflect, accept, then plan.

As well as I am making progress in my recovery, I still have the tough days including the really tough days. It's hard for me when I have the hard days because I'm not as used to having them as often. It is nice because I have been happier for longer periods of time but when the tough day arrives it hits hard. It can be triggered by an uncountable number of things, such as, being over stimulated, experiencing a lot of anxiety, the weather, not being able to pet as many dogs during the day, bounding moments with people I love (as unbelievable as that sounds), being cooped inside, boredom, peoples conversations, mensuration cycle, little dancing, pictures that bring up memories, smells, sounds, or experiencing déjà vu , people that remind me of somebody else, time, music, opening up to someone, hurting or upsetting someone. There are a lot of things that can trigger a harder day for me. When experiencing a hard day I have the habit of beating myself up because "it's my fault". This is an example of my second mindset talking to me which is at war with my first mindset. I'm hard on myself, in these moments I end up in a cycle of feeling the need to punish myself for what "I've done wrong". I feed the negative wolf, which helps it become stronger and powerful. With it then resulting in me having a harder time breaking the cycle and coming out of the dark. I recently found myself in a situation where I felt the need to punish myself - self harm. I experienced a lot of anxiety during the day which led me to feeling upset and overwhelmed. When I am in this situation it is when I am not able to prove wrong to my second mindset thoughts. I feel as if I'm losing control, because I get sucked in to believing the false lies I tell myself. My mind races and isn't able to pick out the true thoughts. I am flooded with thoughts. Then I get stuck in this cycle where my second mindset is telling me that I need to punish myself because of the fact that I'm feeling upset. The second mindset believes that I need to punish myself when feeling this way because I effect others around me and often that space leaves me done to scary difficult/scary roads. I would end up self harming then self harming again because of the fact that I hurt myself which is something that I don't want for myself. I punish myself for punishing myself. It is a very tough cycle to get out of. Something that I've struggled with for my whole life is being able to create a space where I can be accepting of when I feel upset and the negative emotions. Acceptance of all emotions is a lot easier said than done - It is something that I strive for because it is what I want for myself. I think that in order to progress and grow this is something that I need to be able to and allow myself to do. I am fearful of others reactions and their overall well being. I know from experience that when someone else is feeling upset it effects me. I sometimes get triggered, anxious or sad which leads me to a negative space. During freshman year I experienced an intense bulling situation which has left me with difficult trauma. It was during swim unit and happened out of no where. I still don't know what lead them there to make them feel the need of creating an event that almost resulted in a near death experience. All of a sudden I'm being held under water, unable to rise up for air. A group of teens worked together in order to keep the event out of sight from the P.E. teacher. They didn't release me, I had to fight my way up. I was embarrassed that someone felt the need to seriously hurt me. I ended up failing that P.E. class because I didn't feel safe participating. Just this year I opened up to my parents about the incident which was talked about with the school, police and district. I was fearful of what the person might have done if I reported the incident. I've been left with the fear of people feeling upset because of how I'm feeling or what I doing with it then resulting in them hurting me. I've learned that overall it is on the other person to choose to let the emotions, and pain I feel effect them. Same goes for me, It is my responsibility to be as effected as I let myself be. I am working on setting boundaries with myself and others. It is a hard thing to do especially when you live under the same roof with 9 other people. Living in a group home makes it easier to be aware of when someone is upset or having a hard time. Being a loving empathetic person comes with its pros and cons. Having a big heart is beautiful and loving others comes naturally which makes live more enjoyable. It also comes with being dragged down with another person easier when you invest so much time and love into them to help support them. Which then leaves you with not enough energy, love and time for you. I am way to familiar with this experience. As I have been growing it is slowly becoming easier to set boundaries with myself and others. I'm not saying don't support others or don't feel for them, but to be able to support them with out letting yourself be brought down with them. My first mindset understands that I have the right to express and feel the emotions I experience, I am not a burden to staff or loved ones, love comes with a shit load of pain, that I don't deserve to feel the need to punish myself for "what I've done wrong", I have done noting wrong. That people are going to be effected by me, which is okay, I can only do so much to keep others up with out digging myself in a hole deeper, that it is totally okay to not feel happy 100% of the time. Also that I can't put the weight of protecting others from every single hard thing on me which is a barrier from me being my best self. I think that it is way to common and strange that we as human beings tend to care and love others more than our selves. I've struggled with this and continue to struggle with finding the value in myself. It has become easier definitely and I can feel the growth. Before I came to residential treatment I was self harming daily, even multiple times a day because I experienced the cycle of feeling the need to punish myself because I punished myself frequently. As I have been in the group home I don't self harm nearly as frequently as before. I'm proud of myself, now when I self harm I accept it, reflect and discover why I felt the need to self harm in the first place and plan for next time and what I can do to best prevent it. I have come to realize that this method is working best for me.