I am not ashamed of my scars, I still love you Mom and Dad.

I recently went on a home pass for Easter. It was intense, emotional, upsetting but bonding, enjoyable, and good. Its upsetting coming home but also fufiling, it is complicated. Ever since I’ve gotten older I’ve received feedback from my parents about my weight, scars, armpit hair, my outfit, etc. Some of the stuff they say hurts and is upsetting. But I don’t hate my parents or love them less because of the judgement. My parents understandment and acceptance of the self harm scars and wounds has been a major issue and something that is hard for my parents. It is going to be hard for them there whole life, and they will never truly understand why I do it because they are not living my life and they grew up in a different generation. Which is okay, and just the way it will be. I appreciate their empathy and the acceptance that they do give. While having a conversation with mom that started when mom said “Sarah, place go put on a different shirt to cover your scars.” I told her “Mom I don’t feel the need to because if I am comfortable in my skin and how I present myself to the world then why should I hide my true self?” I told her “I am not ashamed of my story, my past, my pain, trauma and mainly my scars.” “Well, why not Sarah?” She said. I was shocked and upset. As this is a sensitive topic to talk about with my parents. It has been very hard to accept what has happened to me, the pain I’ve experienced, and my scars as I am fearful of the judgement, hate and non acceptance I will receive. It’s scary being yourself and putting yourself out there in the world full of mean people and people who don’t understand. It’s just how reality is. I’ve learned that I can only make others so happy with out negativity impacting my wellbeing. In my past I’ve constantly lived for others. I remember my earliest years in elementary school I wanted to shop at Hollister as it was the clothing store where all the popular girls shopped. I wanted to be accepted and liked by others, I wanted to be popular. I wanted to act and look like the others girls. And same goes for my parents, I wanted to be liked at school so they could feel like they could love me. I wanted to get good grades for them, go to church and youth group for them, have friends, do volunteer work, look nice for them. When I was bullied through out my school years I was really embarrassed to tell them about it, I only told them last year. Mom was upset to know that I’ve been hurt and also for not doing anything. I tell her “Mom, you didn’t know, you couldn’t of done anything.” “Stop being hard on yourself and blaming yourself.” “I am honestly great full for the shit I’ve been through.” I lived for there acceptance and love. I was afraid of them abandoning me, giving up on me, leaving me behind, rejecting me, and not loving me. I think this is a result of being adopted. Not to long ago I wouldn’t let them hug me or give me affection. After thinking a lot I’ve realized that I was afraid of getting attached to them, them then leaving me or abandoning me. I’ve realized as I’m now accepting of there love and hugs that I was missing out and that it feel good to be loved. Before I would pretty much let there love pass right through me and give it to other people. I’ve realized that they will always be my parents, they love me for who I am, they are not going to abandon me. That they will right by my side through the thick and thin as they have shown me my entire life. I am beyond bless to have Chris and Rob as my parents. I can’t imagine me with my birth parents or another family. My parents will always love me no matter what. Living for others fucked me up as I believed that my self was not one to be liked. Not being my true self and changing for others hurt me a lot and I believe that this has effected me and is part of the reason why I’ve ended up in so much pain. It sucks. But as I have opened my eyes and looked around me, I’ve noticed a lot of people struggle with this. Our society is messy. But there is also so much beauty in the world too. It is hard to find when we’re struggling. Mom also said she was afraid of the judgment of our family friends and that they might be distancing themselves because of where our family is at, and the scars that tell the truth. I told her “Mom, if you can’t be yourself in front of your “friends”, then why invest so much love and time into them when your not accepted for being yourself and your story?” You end up in a lot of pain, and they aren’t your true friends. Also our friends are also living life and as perfect as there life seems, I can guarantee you that they are struggling too. They might hide it better. But friends accept you for who you are and your story, they stick with you through the thick and thin. If you feel like you have to be fake to them and hide yourself then why bother being there friend. It’s just ending you up in more pain. Also why let others judgement get to you so much when people are moving away, dying, growing up and living there own lives? Mom also said “Sarah, God tells us to be kind to one another.” I told her “Mom I have a big heart and I am a very kind person.” I can only do so much for others with out it impacting me negatively. God also wants us to love ourselves and be kind to ourselves. It’s hard to love yourself and be kind to yourself, so hard. I’ve been getting better at doing it, a lot better and it feels great but some days I have slip ups. It’s totally okay. Mom asked “Sarah why do you still self harm, why do you still have bad days? Even though you claim to be loving yourself more than ever and feeling better.” I understand why she doesn’t understand why I still self harm. I’m in an intense period of my life where I still use self harm as a coping skill, I don’t want to do it for my whole life, I’m not happy with myself. But I’ve sure made a lot of progress and I’m proud of myself. Before residential treatment I would self harm, then get more anxious and try to reject it and would worry what would happen after. The impact it will have on the people that love me, I would think to myself “I am such a horrible person for hurting myself, I need to punish myself more because I’m bad and I hurt people.” I would end up self harming more that same day. It sucked and it was hard for me to get out of that cycle. But since being here I’ve grown and now when I self harm, I accept it. I reflect on what happened before, what lead me to feel the need to self harm, what can I do differently? I am able to feel better after, instead of it ruining my whole week. I’m not happy that I did it, but accepting the fact has helped a lot. I am really proud of myself. Also I don’t so it as often! Worrying about other people’s reactions destroyed me and made me self conscious and very unhappy. As I have been able to be myself, I’ve learned that my self is worth loving. I’m a beautiful person and I positively impact a lot of peoples lives. When living life with a bunch of other people, you are going to hurt each other and we will feel pain for each other. That’s the truth and it sucks but again love comes with pain. I’ve realized that I’m an amazing person and that by being myself I can connect with others better and myself. Mom taught me that I can’t truly love others without loving myself and I can’t help other with out helping myself first. My parents are hurting because of where I am at and the pain I’ve experienced. I told them “why be in so much pain for me when I am accepting of my past, loving myself more than ever, not wishing difference in my life, and more happy and honestly being great full for the pain I experience?” I am great full for my life and am happy where I am right now. I’m still in pain but I don’t wish difference in my life. My parents give unconditional love and I appreciate them so much. Even though we disagree, argue and hurt for each other I don’t wish to be in another family. My family is strong and amazing. No matter what I will love you always Mom and Dad. I love you for who you are. I want a life I don’t regret, I want to live for myself.