Why I am grateful for hard experiences, pain and loss

I couldn’t feel myself.

There wasn’t any pain, just an odd non-sensation.

My body was numb as if I was frozen. I looked downward to scan my 16 year-old body to realize that I was bleeding badly from my arm. I had passed out while my arm was laying in a pool of blood. Broken glass on the tile of the cold floor.

I didn’t know why I was still there, why I still had a pulse while looking at my arm to the damage I had done. I was shocked, mad and confused. Disappointed in myself the I had not died. Being overwhelmed with hate for myself. My plans fell through.

I laid there empty, hollow, weightless. As time passed I came to a space where I was able to clean myself up. I took care of my arm, stoped the bleeding and put on a hoodie. I was scared and embarrassed to walk out of the door that held so many secrets, pain, silent screams, anger and fear behind it. The door that held the negativity of my racing mind that I became way too familiar with, leading me to only knowing the space in there. I knew no difference from being outside of that bathroom feeling ashamed, venerable, embarrassed, living in fear or being trapped in my mind behind that door.

I came out, went to my bed and cried. I was so empty it left me with a hollowness that hurt my body when crying. I couldn’t bare being by myself laying in that bed. I was overwhelmed with the loneliness I felt, having no energy to connect with my inner self. I decided to tell a good friend that I had broken glass and couldn’t keep myself safe. My friend told our youth director who lives at the church, notifying my mom who was at the church at the time about what had just happened. I remember worrying about my parents and how upset and worried they would be coming to find me in the space that I was in. Mom called dad who was at home. Dad rushes into my room, angry and confused. Asking me “WHY SARAH?” “WHY?!” “WHY are you doing THIS?!”. He was angry and couldn’t understand why I would do such a thing. Mom rushes into my bedroom worried and panicked. All I do is cry, hearing the screams inside of my head. I can still see my parents standing in my room over my bedside. I will never forget the look of fear and horror on my parents beautiful faces. Not wanting them to suffer, I looked up and told them not to worry and that I am okay.

It’s been over a year since the attempt, and my eyes still well up as I share this part of my story. Not because of the extremely difficult pain I feel afterwards but the pain it caused my parents, the ones that love me and the reality that I was in. This experience is the begging of a new healing process.

All I know is that facing my mortality at such a young age was the greatest gift of my life. Everything that I had taken for granted became so much more meaningful to me. It is a blessing as I find the joy in the little things that this life has to offer.

The course of the year ahead is challenging. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t live to be 17 years old, because surely by that point I would have ended my life. But somehow, I woke up on my 17th birthday. I felt shocked, sad, relieved, hopeful and curious. Feeling mixed emotions I was in awe that I was celebrating my fucking 17th year on this planet. I hit rock bottom, and I lost all hope. I didn’t expect to live till 17, as I thought I’d be dead. This year has been such an accomplishment and blessing leaving me feeling grateful for all that life has to offer. I am grateful for my support system’s willingness, acceptance, hard work, unconditional love, sacrifice of there needs for mine, patience, perseverance, and hope in me. Especially my family, my parents for believing in me when I didn’t, and continuing to love and help me through my life’s journey.

I often wonder why I am I still alive. I’ve messed up so many times. I’ve hit rock bottom, was neglected, hurt, bullied, and destroyed. But along my path there has always been something that keeps me going. My parents unconditional love, new beginnings and chances, connections, and new perspectives. I’ve always seem to be brought back up to see the light. This life was meant for me. I chose this life for a reason; to find my purpose. I didn’t choose how I would get there. I didn’t choose the pain I would learn from.

I was given this life for a reason, to find my purpose. Spreading love and peace, helping others, and knowing my value while creating peace within myself. I didn’t choose the experiences or pain that would teach me the greatest lessons of my life. I didn’t choose to hit rock bottom, or to be neglected when I was younger. I was given a very rough beginning without any say which has resulted in a challenging life. But in the challenges I find value and meaning. Our lives aren’t meant to be perfect, as often as a lot of us seek perfection and all good. We are brought down by the bad, wishing to have better. Don’t you see? This is what makes life lively and enjoyable.

To navigate and process my pain, I became a “seeker, which led me to incredible teachers, more self awareness, new perspectives, becoming stronger and making progress within myself and in my life. Over time, I continue to learn the true meaning of forgiveness and self-love, which is fully opening my heart and my life. I understanding that compassion is the answer to almost everything, and embarked on a path of helping others overcome hardship and connecting with myself. This has become the most gratifying part of my life. I’m learning the beauty and blessings of the present moment, and how to stay there.

While continuing on my life’s journey, losing myself has helped me directly to finding myself.

It’s easy to find things to be grateful when life is so wonderful. The key is to find things to be grateful about during and in challenge, so we can feel good more of the time. Finding gratitude and blessings-in-disguise can take a lifetime. Knowing what I know now, am I grateful enough to say I am glad it all happened? The experiences, pain, and loss has impacted me and who I am, and I’m not sure how I would have gotten here without the hardship. So yes, I can honestly say I wouldn’t change a thing. I have absolute faith that by looking at all areas of life and asking, “What’s good about that?” I will always have something to be grateful for, even it’s as simple as being able to wake up.