Thank you Mom, and Dad for letting my light shine!

Earlier today I had an intense moment with my parents that allowed us to be raw and vulnerable with each other. It was nice and I am feeling better now after having the experience. It was intense and our water works were turned on full blast. I am thankful for moments like these. Mom often expresses that she feels like she is not a good mom, and that its her fault that I've experienced a lot of pain and ended up in a residential treatment center. Mom carries the burden of how my life didn't turn out as she expected. My parents didn't expect me to hit rock bottom to the point of not wanting to live any more and taking the action of self harming. I'm sad that she feels like she's not a good enough Mom because of the pain I've experienced. My pain is not blamed on anyone. I love my Mom a lot, both my Mom and Dad. I am proud of my Mom and enjoy her presence. She brings a lot of joy to my life and the hard work and unconditional love has been a big part of my life which is a main reason of why I am still alive. I couldn't imagine myself in another family, I honestly don't know where I would be in life and if I would be able to be proud of the person I would of become. I asked her "have I spent all my 16 years and 11 months under this roof, supervised 24/7?" No, I haven't. I spend a lot of time going to school, hanging out with friends, walking dogs, attending church, etc. "So, Mom how could you blame yourself for what you did wrong and what you haven't done when you haven't had a leash on me my whole life?"

I've come across a lot of people and experiences in my life that has impacted me in some way, whether if its been good or bad. If I the one who is your daughter is not blaming you and is ultimently happy and proud of you, your pretty much suffering for no good reason. "Tell me Mom, why blame yourself when its not your fault?" "What is your fault is the fact that I'm still alive, happy with myself and the life I've been given, that I'm making an impact on this world and that I've realized that life is ultimately worth living because there is good in this world. Mom, go ahead and bame yourself for the progress I've made, the chances I've taken, the self love and confidence I have discovered, the fact that I'm accepting of my past and happy with my life, and the good I have to offer this world. All of the experiences, and people I've met happened for a reason, it will serve me well some point in my life. As I am progressing I am able to see the beauty in the pain I experience, and be thankful for my past and the people that have hurt me in some way. My pain has made my stronger, birthed my self love and confidence, and made me realized that I can overcome these hard times, also that I am greater than the pain I feel. Mom, you should be proud of yourself. Dad, you should to.

My whole life you've both shown your light on me, loving and accepting me for who I am. You adopted me, I wasn't in your belly Mom. But from the moment you both laid eyes on me you loved me. When I was young I made messes, kept you up all night, made you cry, made situations harder. I was helpless, all I did was eat, poop, and created many sleepless nights for you both. You didn't know much about me, but you loved me no matter what. You aren't my birth parents but you still loved me as if I was your birth child. I believe that family are not those by blood but by the acceptance, love, support, they have to offer you. You are my parents. Chris Field you are my Mom. Robert Field you are my Dad (dad dada daddio). I couldn't of asked for better parents and a family that has allowed me to find myself, love myself and now share who I am with the world and be proud of who I am. I have been blessed to recover and make this much unbelievable progress while being here only 16 years. Its a life long journey to discover our love for ourselves and who we are inside. Life is our greatest teacher. But I can sure tell you that not being connected with yourself and not having love for yourself, life is a lot harder. It is not common to come across people that have much self confidence and love for themselves. We might even refer them as "selfish". The most beautiful people in the world are those that have self love and confidence for there true selves. Despite the bad times throughout my life, you both have comforted me not matter what I did wrong or did something that went against you guys. You were upset and I was embarrassed and scared. I am thankful for my mom and dad sticking be my side no matter how hard I've tried to push away, the distance that separate us, no matter how hectic our lives are, or how far we have fallen. You both are in a lot of pain. I'm sorry, I feel for you but please listen to me. I am living proof that no matter how dark your life is, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Everything will be okay.

My parents and the people that surrounds me taught me that they could give me everything I wanted, as much therapy and love they could give me, many dogs, and fun times. But it's up to me to let that effect me in a positive way. I can get as much help as I could get but its on me to take that help to help myself. I have to be the one to make the change. Mom, you taught me this very well and now its coming right back at ya.

I hit rock bottom, I believed that the only way out of these dark, scary times was to do myself in. I would be at peace, I wouldn't have to be sad anymore or feel pain. I would be at rest. Well, It turns out that these beliefs were wrong. I wouldn't be at peace, I would be helpless if I let myself do myself in. I suffered greats amount of pain, uncomprendable amounts of pain. I am not the only one, there are many that stand along side me. I am happy and proud of myself that I am not only standing on two feet but loving myself more than ever and experiencing true happiness. Thank you to my Mom and Dad and the village that has supported me through these short 16 years. You loved me when I didn't love myself, you cared about me when I didn't care about myself, you believed in me when I lost all hope, you stuck by my side even when Sarah didn't want to be by anybody's side anymore. You cared for me when I hit rock bottom and couldn't bare another day living with myself, you didn't give up on me when I gave up on myself. This is a main reason why I still here. Thank you for that, and thank you to myself for letting and accepting my parents light shine on me. Now as I have grown older I am able to really be thankful for that light. I am proudly shinning my light on others and making this world a better place.

Thank you Mom and Dad,

Your proud daughter!